Monday, June 17, 2013

Goodbye Chemo Amy

I cannot believe that in just a few days I will complete my final treatment.  I will be done.  I will ring that bell and leave cancer-free, hopefully forever.  I will no longer be fighting cancer...I will be a SURVIVOR!  It is amazing.  It brings me to tears in just a few short sentences.  I cannot believe it on so many levels.  I cannot believe first of all that I had cancer and had to go through this in the first place.  I cannot believe that I have done as well as I have.  I cannot believe how hard it has been.  I cannot believe how much I have learned about myself and others on this journey.  I cannot believe that the end is so near.  I cannot believe that next week I will no longer be treating cancer.  So, now what?

Its strange to think that for six months my life has basically revolved around getting rid of this stupid disease.  I have lived essentially from treatment to treatment trying to not really think too far in advance.  It is strange to think that when I leave the cancer center on Friday after my shot I won't be going back for a few months until I get my scans.  It's like going from 100 to 0 over night. Of course, I am jumping up and down celebrating the fact that this day is coming, but it is also VERY scary.  Kate warned me of this and she was spot on.  It's scary to think that now I will be doing NOTHING to fight cancer.  How do I know it is not in there just dwelling and waiting for me to stop chemo so it can grow again?  FREAKY feeling.  I know that for a while I will now live in fear from scan to scan worried that it will come back.

So, I go Thursday for my final chemo.  When I am done Mark, Lucas, Mom, Jim and my dear friend Jamie will come to watch me "ring the bell."  For those of you unfamiliar...when you finish your last chemo you ring a ceremonial bell to mark the occassion!  They will be there to celebrate this moment with me.  I think we will have cake.  Lucas thinks every celebration MUST include cake!  I will then go home and crash and suffer side effects and sleep for three days.  Mark calls this person who will appear "Chemo Amy."  This will be her last appearance folks.  I'm hoping we won't ever have to see that girl again!

I cry just thinking about it. What a journey this has been for me.  I have learned alot.  As I said, I've learned a lot about myself and others.  That's another week.  I want to share with everyone who has been reading all the things I have learned.  All the wonderful things I have seen in others as they share and offer help.  I'll also talk a little about how cancer has changed me and what I've learned about myself and what comes next for me.


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